Slowly waking

For 3 weeks I’ve done close to nothing. Just watching tv, hanging out with my family and walking. I wish I had read a bit more, but that’s ok. These 3 weeks were exactly what I needed. I’m slowly waking up to the world again.

I feel rested, strong and ready. I smile much more. I don’t burst into tears when strangers show me compassion and care. Instead I even have enough energy and love to show others compassion and care.

My first work stint as a new consultant is tomorrow. I’m beyond excited. And I also have imposter syndrome singing loudly in my ears. It’s ok. I will be great.

This is what I love. This particular client is in a city I’ve never been too, so that’s exciting. And then I get to spend a few days with my brother and his awesome family, and some friends. Not bad for my first week back in the ‘real’ world. ❤️

The bottom

In my last post I told you how I chose me. That was a huge step. The weeks that followed were hell. Everything I did was questioned, second guessed and led to a full blown argument. Migraines, upset stomach and full blown depression hit me hard. I have never cried so much. Anyone showing me kindness got tears streaming down my face.

It was not pretty. Friends suggested legal advice. I went I listened and momentarily felt brave. One last meeting and I was crushed. In bed, hugging myself and wondering what new hell this feeling was. I have never really experienced depression, though I have seen it (my wife suffers from it). So I understood and was still powerless, hopeless.

I’ve hit bottom, and I have no fight left in me. No energy to even try. Instead I’m going to take 3 weeks to recover and do things I enjoy.

I’m setting up a new chapter as a consultant. And learning all about being a sole trader with GST and accounting.

I’ve joined a 6 week fitness program (and every muscle aches).

I’m getting outdoors everyday and reading.

So here is to leaving the past behind and just moving forward, one step at a time, one smile at a time 😊

How my body speaks

In the last few months I’ve been practicing listening to my body and noticing what it’s trying to tell me. Here is what I’ve noticed. It’s not a complete list, I’m still learning ❤️

My signs when I’m under stress

  • Migraine
  • Stiff neck
  • Nausea
  • Diarrhea
  • Want to cry but can’t
  • Feel like everything is spinning out of control
  • Can’t sit still
  • Can’t switch off brain
  • Sore body
  • Tired to point of exhaustion

My signs when I’m in a good place

  • Calm
  • Happy
  • Peaceful
  • Able to sit in stillness easily
  • Find sitting in stillness enjoyable
  • Nothing is a big deal
  • Energy

Whirlwind of exhaustion

What a whirlwind of a week!

I opened my heart and asked for help and am blown away by the response. Thank you so much to everyone who put me in touch with someone or who got hold of me. I am honored and humbled that you all helped me when I needed it. And I am very grateful and thankful ❤️

I have had 2-3 interview talks a day for 3 days solid. The agile world is just getting bigger. Some companies get it and are in their way and some are just starting their journey and think of this as a lego block plug in for delivery.

I am also tired. Work is stressful and horrid at the moment. Trust is at an all time low. It doesn’t help that I am so busy I can’t even rest. And that I feel guilt for this. Unbelievable how these things are so deeply ingrained.

One step at a time and one decision at a time… if I want to get off the hamster wheel, what does that look like?

I picked me

On Monday I picked me. I resigned for me without having another job lined up.

After many months of trying to change my work, my office, my outputs, my attitude and many other things, I got to the point of enough.

I was a lemon. I was productive but nothing brought me joy except working with teams. It felt at times that I could do nothing right. I doubted my abilities as a person and as a coach. I felt useless and worthless even though deep inside I knew it wasn’t true. I cried every other day. I hated going to work and took on more and more travel to minimize my time in the office.

These are all signs I ignored for 3 months because I thought I needed to learn something. I did. I needed to learn to value me and my joy first. FIRST. My self care above all else. Including an income.

Yes that scares me. I’m not really one who likes financial risks. It’s scares me so much I cried instead for 3 months.

But now I am free. Decision made. I can now focus on taking care of me and healing.