Crawling, walking, running

I’ve had a few good weeks. I’ve been calm, interactive engaged. I’ve been reading more and taking the odd run, even just relaxing and smiling. But in the background the darkness lurks. I can feel it there sometimes.

It reaches out as anxiety when I’m worried about some clients work, or finding property or something else in the future. Sometimes it’s just exhaustion coupled with a sliver of depression, not wanting to move or do anything except climb into a warm tent and hide from the world.

These are now feelings I can identify and label. Oddly when I do pause, observe and label them, they lose some of their power over me.

I’m defiantly not in that sunshine rainbow unicorn filled place where I wake up energized and bounce out the house for a jog followed by meditation. Nope. My path to recovery looks a bit more haphazard. I’m just listening to my body and mind and trying to do things when I feel I want to as opposed to coming up with excuses.

I surprised myself this morning. I was standing in the bedroom procrastinating and about to watch tv, but I looked puzzled. My wife asked ‘what are you thinking’. Out of my mouth popped ‘that I might go for a run’. Huh I thought, that’s interesting… ok I guess. I got dressed and went. It was lovely.

No deliberate practice. No routine. Just acknowledge what you honestly want to do and do it. It’s more difficult than it sounds. My inner voice has great ideas and thoughts but my mind tries to drown them out.

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