The damn lesson

Today I am feeling very sorry for myself and whining to anyone who will listen and even to those who don’t want to.

I’m trying to apply for pre-approval for a home loan and all the hoops and paperwork is driving me insane.

Then on my annoyingly reflective train ride home I realized that this is happening because there are a few things I need to learn.

Like being humble vs entitled. Being grateful vs expectant. Being patient vs rushed.

Dammit. Yes, I need to learn all those things. They are my weak spots. I’m decisive and committed and expect that of others, and most just aren’t. I’m actually a real pain in the ass. Now I’m actually feeling sorry for those banks and brokers that have to deal with me. Hmmm.

PS I love these doodle images. You can visit them and buy prints!

What do you want?

What do you really want? This question has been top of mind for me for over a week now. It seemed so simple… I rattled off my dream life. And then I spent 19 days pondering if that was my ideal life or if what I thought needed to happen was influencing it.

As an example I said I’d like to work for a few days a week or just a couple of hours a day. This is because I really enjoy my work. But if I stopped, what would happen? What else might I discover that I really enjoy when I have more time to explore?

And then I pondered if I was setting up future Sam to live her perfect life, what would that be? And in setting it up… why could I not just start living my ideal life?

Yeah, I know… deep 👀

But it did help me make some decisions. Some that enable future me to be closer to my dream and allow current me to also step closer. Of course there are trade offs. But I’m tired of planning for my dream. I’m impatient. And I want to start living it now… or at least as close as I can. ❤️

The ideal day/week

Today I find myself sitting in an airport, waiting for an early flight to a client for 2 days. The lounge is full. Overfill actually, there are not enough seats for all these road warriors that do this regularly.

What would your day/week look like if you could design it? What would you include and exclude?

I have been thinking about this for a week. It is way more tricky than I thought. As an example: would I work? I really like my work and it gives me much pleasure. And if I didn’t do it, I would find another way to get that pleasure I think. So the question becomes one of everything surrounding work and if I want that or not. Like: invoicing etc. and then I delve into, what would the ideal work look like?

Hahaha slippery slope… I have much more thinking to do

Crawling, walking, running

I’ve had a few good weeks. I’ve been calm, interactive engaged. I’ve been reading more and taking the odd run, even just relaxing and smiling. But in the background the darkness lurks. I can feel it there sometimes.

It reaches out as anxiety when I’m worried about some clients work, or finding property or something else in the future. Sometimes it’s just exhaustion coupled with a sliver of depression, not wanting to move or do anything except climb into a warm tent and hide from the world.

These are now feelings I can identify and label. Oddly when I do pause, observe and label them, they lose some of their power over me.

I’m defiantly not in that sunshine rainbow unicorn filled place where I wake up energized and bounce out the house for a jog followed by meditation. Nope. My path to recovery looks a bit more haphazard. I’m just listening to my body and mind and trying to do things when I feel I want to as opposed to coming up with excuses.

I surprised myself this morning. I was standing in the bedroom procrastinating and about to watch tv, but I looked puzzled. My wife asked ‘what are you thinking’. Out of my mouth popped ‘that I might go for a run’. Huh I thought, that’s interesting… ok I guess. I got dressed and went. It was lovely.

No deliberate practice. No routine. Just acknowledge what you honestly want to do and do it. It’s more difficult than it sounds. My inner voice has great ideas and thoughts but my mind tries to drown them out.

So lucky

These last few weeks have been interesting. I’ve tried a bunch of things. I went to a yoga class, it’s was great and got me to try a yoga and meditation class 😊 I also went on a business trip and put me first. Had nice calm breakfast, lunch and dinner everyday with myself, as opposed to grabbing something cheap on the run. I even went for a run on that business trip!

I’m planning on getting back into tennis – yay! And I’m listening to many podcasts which are causing me to find more and more books I want to read!

Today I’m traveling into town just to meet friends and have lunch. How lucky am I?

I am very lucky and very blessed. My life is pretty much everything I’ve dreamed right now. A few tweaks still needed but I suspect that will always be the case 🙂