You are nothing short of incredible

This made me smile and relax. It taps imposter syndrome on the shoulder and escorts it out the door.

Mostly I’m super quick to criticize and judge myself. Let’s call that -1 on the scale. So 0 would be being honest and +1 is bragging or tooting my own horn. I think my tally would be deep in the negatives. Occasionally I might be honest but even that feels like bragging to me. I know I’m alone in this. And I wish I understood why I behaved this way.

Now if I contrasts that to how I talk about my friends: we definitely are in the positives. Sure I’m honest, but I also focus way more on the good things and brag on their behalf. Almost as if to make up for them not doing it.

How fascinating. So when I think of myself I think of the negative, the holes, the missing or not so good stuff. When I think of my friends I think of the positive, the great, awesome at, amazing stuff.

Mmm. Why?

Cards and doing good everyday

I picked up a pack of cards with slogans yesterday. My idea is to pick one and capture my thoughts. I’m writing these as if debating them with my best friend over a glass of wine.

Choose to feel good everyday.

Mmm. The first thing that pops to mind is don’t say this to people who are suffering. Sometimes you just can’t choose your way out of a black hole of anxiety and depression.

That said, you can choose to do good by yourself everyday. If you need to hide in a tent, then do that. If you need to sing and skip to work then do that. Honor your feelings, don’t suppress them. Be you. Because all of you is valuable, not just the Facebook and Instagram part.

The more open and honest you can be, the more you enable others to also show up with their whole selves.

Slowly waking

For 3 weeks I’ve done close to nothing. Just watching tv, hanging out with my family and walking. I wish I had read a bit more, but that’s ok. These 3 weeks were exactly what I needed. I’m slowly waking up to the world again.

I feel rested, strong and ready. I smile much more. I don’t burst into tears when strangers show me compassion and care. Instead I even have enough energy and love to show others compassion and care.

My first work stint as a new consultant is tomorrow. I’m beyond excited. And I also have imposter syndrome singing loudly in my ears. It’s ok. I will be great.

This is what I love. This particular client is in a city I’ve never been too, so that’s exciting. And then I get to spend a few days with my brother and his awesome family, and some friends. Not bad for my first week back in the ‘real’ world. ❤️

The bottom

In my last post I told you how I chose me. That was a huge step. The weeks that followed were hell. Everything I did was questioned, second guessed and led to a full blown argument. Migraines, upset stomach and full blown depression hit me hard. I have never cried so much. Anyone showing me kindness got tears streaming down my face.

It was not pretty. Friends suggested legal advice. I went I listened and momentarily felt brave. One last meeting and I was crushed. In bed, hugging myself and wondering what new hell this feeling was. I have never really experienced depression, though I have seen it (my wife suffers from it). So I understood and was still powerless, hopeless.

I’ve hit bottom, and I have no fight left in me. No energy to even try. Instead I’m going to take 3 weeks to recover and do things I enjoy.

I’m setting up a new chapter as a consultant. And learning all about being a sole trader with GST and accounting.

I’ve joined a 6 week fitness program (and every muscle aches).

I’m getting outdoors everyday and reading.

So here is to leaving the past behind and just moving forward, one step at a time, one smile at a time 😊

How my body speaks

In the last few months I’ve been practicing listening to my body and noticing what it’s trying to tell me. Here is what I’ve noticed. It’s not a complete list, I’m still learning ❤️

My signs when I’m under stress

  • Migraine
  • Stiff neck
  • Nausea
  • Diarrhea
  • Want to cry but can’t
  • Feel like everything is spinning out of control
  • Can’t sit still
  • Can’t switch off brain
  • Sore body
  • Tired to point of exhaustion

My signs when I’m in a good place

  • Calm
  • Happy
  • Peaceful
  • Able to sit in stillness easily
  • Find sitting in stillness enjoyable
  • Nothing is a big deal
  • Energy